random thoughts and happenings.

Harper has a cold or maybe it's allergies. I don't know. How would you know? She has a runny nose, eye drainage, and just looks pathetic. She also has a low-grade temperature (around 99.5-100.0), but I think that is also related to the fact that she is teething (she has always run a slight temperature when teething that lasts for a few weeks after the tooth has even broken through - the tooth broke through about a week ago).

During the Razorback gymnastic's meet Friday night, I told Hayden that Jamie Pisani, one of the Razorback gymnasts would be graduating this year and won't be at the gymnastic meets next year. He started crying. He was upset for the whole night and the following day. It was so sad. Apparently he is going to miss her (she is one of his favorites).I have discovered a new show that I like and thanks to NBC On Demand I was able to catch up and watch all the past episodes. The show is 'Grimm'. It is spiffy!

hayden likes naked ladies.

Hayden likes naked ladies. Sounds weird, right? But he does. The other day I got dressed nicely and I asked him what he thought and he told me that I would look even better naked.

Well okay then.

Last week at the mall he noted a mannequin wearing a bikini. He said that if he saw one of his friend's wearing that bikini that he would have to kiss her. He then saw a mannequin wearing some lingerie and he liked that too. He thought the lingerie would look really good on a friend of mine and that my friend would look even better naked. I was a bit shocked at the thought. I told him that he would never see her naked and he thought that maybe he would be in her home sometime and just happen to see her naked. Not going to happen Mr. Hayden. Sorry.

Is this normal?!?

I swear that he is a sweet kid, but these thoughts and notions are a bit concerning.

I'm hoping that he just finds the body beautiful, which I think is a great thing. There really is no sexual undertone to any of his comments or feelings (at least I don't think there is).

He does still see me naked sometimes which I think is appropriate and okay (but I could be wrong). He also sees Harper naked - which I also think is alright (but I could be wrong).

My plan was to "allow" him to see me and Harper naked until he feels uncomfortable with it. At that point I figured I would cease being naked around him and make it a point to be covered up in his presence.

I don't want to make this into a big deal and I don't want him to feel bad about the female (or male) body. I want him to feel that people and bodies are beautiful and not something to be ashamed of.

freedom from food - a quest.

For over ten years, I have had an unhealthy relationship with food. I have written about this in the past. And for those details and to read more about my issues with food, you can go here, here, and here.

For the purpose of this particular blog post, suffice it to say that I have a preoccupation with food. I struggle with how much I am eating - in particular, I worry if I'm eating too much.

I constantly assess and ruminate regarding how many calories I am eating. I think about what I am eating now, what I will be eating later in the day, what I will be eating tomorrow, later in the week, and even what I will be eating in the following weeks.

It is not healthy. It fills my mind with numbers & details and causes me unnecessary worry. It takes time and effort to keep up with these thoughts and concerns. A lot of time and effort.

My day is food-focused. My life is food-focused in a way that is troubling and disconcerting.

I wish I could be normal and just eat. To not obsess over what I am eating and what I will be eating later. But right now I can't.

I have done this and been like this for a decade. I have trained my mind to think like this - to always assess food and evaluate it for consumption.

At this point in my life, I can barely identify my own hunger. For the most part, I eat as a machine and not necessarily because I am hungry and need to eat. I just eat. Likewise, I can't identify when I am full. Both feelings have become numb and dormant.

This is a problem. Obviously. A problem I intend to work very hard at treating and hopefully fixing.

For the next month I plan on working on identifying my hunger. I am going to try and really focus on myself and my body and retrain myself to feel those hunger and fullness cues and to eat when I am hungry and to stop when I am full. And to eat what I want when I am hungry - to fill my hunger with what I am hungry for.

I plan on charting my hunger cues. My hope is that there is a pattern to my hunger cues that will enable me to go forward knowing that I "get hungry" at certain times of the day. Maybe there won't be any consistency, but I think it is worth exploring.

We'll see. This is not going to be easy for me, but it is worth the work.

I want to be free of this and to retrain my mind not to focus and obsess over food and calories, to enable my body to feel those basic hunger and fullness cues. I just want to be normal.

NOTE: I do see a therapist regularly and I am working on this with her as well.

tenth engagement anniversary.

Last night, Randy and I went to dinner to celebrate our “Engagement Anniversary.”We got engaged 10 years ago on New Year’s Eve (2001). Every year, we mark the occasion by returning to the “scene of the crime” and having dinner at the same place we got engaged. The name of the restaurant may have changed as well as the décor; however, it’s still the “spot” and the food is still super yummy!

When Randy proposed, I was 20-years-old. I was a Junior in College. I was young and rather naïve (and probably still am). When he got down on one knee in the restaurant, I was shocked. I think I might have even laughed.

He had this adorable little bear he had made at a ‘Build-a-Bear’ store. He had recorded himself proposing to me on that bear and used the bear to “pop the question.”

Only problem: I couldn’t hear the bear. I suppose I should have known what was happening, but I was seriously in shock. Eventually, he said, “so what’s your answer?” I think I said something like, “yeah… sure.”

I didn’t cry. I didn’t freak out. I was certainly happy and elated - but seriously, I was just shocked.

Apparently, many of our friends and family knew of Randy’s plans because after dinner when we went to my parents’ condo, a good lot of them were there to mark the occasion. I sure am glad that I said ‘yes’ (it would have been awkward if I had said ‘no’)!

So even though we don’t go to dinner on the exact same day of the engagement, we still make a point of going to dinner every year at around the same time, returning to the same location just to remember the moment. Plus, it’s a great excuse to have a wonderful date-night: to spend time with just the two of us.

Last night we talked about our lives and where we are now. How things have changed. How we have grown to become parents of two wonderful children. How we couldn't see ourselves in any other way but how we are.

We are happy. We are still in love. We might have arguments. We might not always agree. But the love is still there.

Randy also took this occasion to surprise me with a rather extravagant gift as well as some beautiful flowers that were already set at our table when we arrived for dinner.

My lame gift to him was a last-minute purchase of some 'Living Social' deals for Greenhouse Grille - a local restaurant. He will enjoy them, but they certainly aren't anything to brag about. I mean really - SUPER lame. I wasn't going to get him anything, but then I saw that deal and thought he would like it.

The gift he got me is brag-worthy. He got me a pair of beautiful diamond hoop earrings (he got me diamonds because it was our 10th engagement anniversary and diamonds are the traditional gift for a 10-year anniversary, generally meaning a wedding anniversary though). Very sweet and thoughtful gift for sure. I am a lucky girl.
In sum, I love you Randy! I am tremendously happy that I said “yes” 10 years ago and that we got married a year and a half later.

I couldn't imagine my life without you.

harper's first snow.

Harper experienced her first real snow today. Of course we had to take pictures to document the occasion. And maybe it wasn't a lot of snow (probably just an inch), but it was snow. So we will take it.

no more saturday shopping for me.

Last Saturday I went out to the mall area to do a little clothes shopping for Harper and to do a little grocery shopping at Walmart.

I thought this little trip would be fun and uneventful. I was getting to go shopping without the kids (Randy was watching them) and getting to spend some time "alone."

I was SO wrong about the trip being fun and the reality of the trip was not at all like my expectations. To have thought I was going to be "alone" on a Saturday out by the mall was ridiculous. Absolutely unfathomable.

I went to Old Navy first. Not awful. I made it through. Then I went to Carter's. Also fine.

And then came Walmart.

The parking lot itself was OUT OF CONTROL. I finally found a spot and went in. It was a mad-house. This is also not the Walmart I usually shop at. I had no idea where the items I needed were located. I was lost in a sea of chaos.

I remained calm, purchased my items, and eventually made my way back to my car.

On the way home, I wanted to cry. I have no idea why. I was just so overwhelmed with those few hours that I just about broke down on my drive home. At the same time, I wanted to go home and take a nap. I just wanted to crash (which wasn't something I could have done - we had busy plans for that afternoon and a nap was not in my future).

Suffice it to say that I will not be shopping on a Saturday again. My sensitive-self cannot handle it. The crowds. The chaos. The people. It was all just too much.

random hayden cuteness.

Since I tend to post and take more pictures of Harper these days. I thought I would post a cute picture of my big boy.

Here he is going down the slide (incorrectly). Oh well. He was having fun and he WANTED me to take this picture (which is rare).

Gotta love my little man.

harper and baby bookworms.

Baby Bookworms is a library storytime at our local library for children ages birth-24 months. It is every Monday and Thursday at 9:45am. It lasts about 30 minutes.

It is fun and the babies/kids love it.

Hayden went when he was little and now Harper is going.

We went for the first time a few weeks ago and now we plan on going every Monday.

It's funny because when we go, Harper just crawls away from me and watches the activities. She rarely looks back to check on me. She really seems to care less if I am there.

She does try to engage with other parents though. She will crawl to them and try to play with them and their babies/kids.

All the while, I am sitting about 30 feet away just watching her. I do go and pick her up and move her when it seems that she is bothering other people. Otherwise, I just let her do her thing.

I've tried to pick her up and bring her to me, but she just crawls away again. So it is what it is. She is independent and secure in herself and our relationship - which is a good thing.

Here are some pictures I took with my iPhone from Harper's first Baby Bookworms experience.

t-shirt comparison: hayden v. harper.

The following pictures feature Hayden and Harper wearing the exact same shirt.

Hayden's pictures are from May 2008 (when he was about 15-months-old). Harper's pictures are from February 2012 (she is about 9-month-old).

The first two sets feature four pictures that are relatively comparable in composition. The following pictures are just adorable pictures of the two of them (still wearing that same shirt from those same respective time periods).

Harper.
Hayden.Harper.
Hayden.
And here are the pictures that aren't as directly comparable - yet they are just as adorable.

Harper.
Hayden.

nine months.

Harper is 9-months-old today.

Friday she had her 9-month well-child visit. She now weighs 20lb, 7.5 ounces and is 27.75" long. Her head circumference is 18.31". Percentage-wise that puts her at the 80th Percentile in weight, the 60th Percentile in height, and the 97th Percentile in head circumference. Apparently she has a big noggin!

Her check-up proved uneventful and she passed inspection - yet again.

She is cruising and crawling like a champ. I am betting that she will be walking VERY soon. She already cruises from one piece of furniture to another one. She can also climb now.

She still doesn't want to eat food. The doctor doesn't seem at all concerned though - so I guess I shouldn't be either. She seems very happy with her formula so we will stick with that and keep trying the solids (but not put any pressure on her to consume them) - hopefully she will take to the "real food" in her own time.

She is indeed down to one nap a day, so that's interesting. Right now it's from about 10:30am-12:30pm. She then generally goes down for the night around 7:30pm and wakes up at around 6:15am.

She likes to "talk" quite a bit; however, she doesn't really say a lot of words. Sometimes it seems like she says and knows 'mama' and 'daddy' but it's not consistent. So I'm still waiting on those first, real, true words.

She has 7 teeth now. Four on the bottom and 3 on the top. Fun times with teething! (Note: I tried to get a picture of the teeth, but Harper was NOT having it. Needless to say, you are going to have to trust me that she now has seven teeth.)

All in all, Harper is a happy, healthy little girl.

"scooby-doo is gay" - a teaching moment with hayden.

The other day, Hayden was watching 'Scooby-Doo'. All of a sudden he randomly said, "Scooby-doo is gay."

I knew what he said. I also knew that he had no idea what he said or what it really meant - it is not something we ever say or ever would say.

I asked him if he knew what that meant. He said that it meant that Scooby-doo is cool.

I then asked him where he heard that and who had said that.

It took him a minute and then he admitted that "Sara" from school had said it (Sara is not the little girl's real name). I know who this little girl is. I know she is a sweet little girl and that her family is kind and good people. I also know that she has older brothers who have more than likely said that phrase around her and that she has picked it up.

I told him that it is not a nice thing to say and that he should not say it again. I also told him that Sara probably didn't realize it wasn't a nice thing to say. But regardless, it is not something that he should ever say again.

I know that more things like this will happen. I know I have to teach him how to be nice and to say nice things - and to not say mean, awful things. But it's not always easy. Hopefully he won't say this again.

much to my chagrin.

Before having Harper, I had hoped that my second baby would be a sleepy, calm, mello baby (unlike Hayden - my rowdy little boy).

At first I thought that's what I got.

It turns out I was wrong.

Harper is somewhat calm, but she is not a sleepy baby.

She is an on-the-move, cheery little thing who doesn't need much sleep - much to my chagrin.

She takes one nap a day from about 10:30am-12:30pm. That's it. Other than that she is up and going. She goes to bed around 7pm and wakes up around 6:15am.

Having her up so much makes it hard to get things done. She is always there and it's hard to get those breaks to accomplish work (or just take a break and rest).

It's actually easier when Hayden is home and "plays with her" because he amuses her and keeps her entertained. And he actually doesn't have to do anything. He just does his thing and she appreciates the company and his presence. So really he doesn't play with her. He just exists and that is enough for her.

I think she might be an extrovert - also to my chagrin. I was hoping for an introvert (like me). A kindred spirit. I am surrounded by extroverts and I thought it would be neat to have an introvert, but I don't think that's what I "produced."

Instead I got a non-sleeping, little person who needs people and action. Lord help me (just kidding - sortove).

hayden's amusing phrases.

Hayden has been saying two phrases lately that are highly amusing. One phrase is actually a quote from an episode of 'Wallace and Gromit'.
I am not sure where the other phrase comes from.

The two phrases are: "There's a bomb in my pants" and "My booty's on fire." The quote from 'Wallace and Gromit' is the first phrase. In the episode there is literally a bomb in Wallace's pants. Classy.

The other day while at Walmart, Hayden kept repeatedly saying the phrases while we were in the Deli Department. I got quite a few looks. I had to tell him to stop because people were staring.

I suppose it's a little unnerving when a 5-year-old little boy keeps announcing that "there's a bomb" in his pants and that his "booty's on fire."

I will admit though that I could not stop giggling. It was quite comical.