The other night, I had a night filled with dreams. In theory they were pleasant dreams. But the reality of these dreams wasn't pleasant and left my waking hours filled with sadness and loss.
In general, my dreams are never exactly concrete - they tend to "float" or evolve in unrealistic ways. They don't necessarily make sense or seem possible, but then again they are dreams and they aren't real.
These dreams I experienced the other night involved myself as a young adult with my friends. We were young and having fun and enjoying each other's company. That part of the dream was fine. But that wasn't the primary focus of the dreams.
The main focus of these dreams was my friend Jeremy who passed away last April (you can go here to read more about his death).
Jeremy and I had been childhood friends - close childhood friends. And although we had grown apart as we aged, we were still friends and still had a connection despite our distance.
In these dreams, I kept trying to get close to him and feel him close to me - both physically and mentally. It was weird. It was like I was trying to connect with him. The desperation I felt in these dreams was palpable. It was a longing and a need - and it was never really fulfilled.
Upon waking and going about my day yesterday, these dreams haunted me. They made me sad. They made me hurt. He's not here and I will never be able to connect with him again. I'm not a Spiritual person and I don't necessarily believe in heaven. I don't feel that I know what happens when we die, so I don't "know" that I will "see him again".
I know I will be fine. I know I will be okay. I have grieved his death - it happened nearly 7 months ago. These dreams though bring it back to the forefront. They remind me of my friend and the fact that he is gone. And it just hurts.