I have been dealt with an exceptionally Perfectionistic disposition. Not only am I genetically wired to be a Perfectionist, but my environment growing up was also was Perfectionistic-driven. My mother is a major Perfectionist - just like me. Like mother, like daughter.
As an adult, I am extremely critical of myself and others. I judge both myself and others. I am harsh on both myself and others. It's not pretty.
It's really hard to be Perfect. In fact, it isn't possible. I have had to come to accept that it's okay to be good enough. And sometimes I have a REALLY hard time accepting that. Honestly, sometimes I can't accept that. I know my expectations are unrealistic, yet I still try to make them happen.
For instance, I HAVE TO return emails I receive by the end of the day that I receive them - I strive to reply to them as soon I receive them. I am overly efficient. That is also a problem. I try extremely hard to be Perfect, and set myself up to fail.
And that is where my 'f' word comes in. When I don't accomplish something or when I feel like I'm not good enough, I think I failed and that I am a failure. When someone else doesn't "succeed" at something, I think that they have failed and label them a failure. I have done that to Randy, but not the kids.
I know it's not a good thing. I shouldn't be so harsh on myself or others. It is something I am working on. I do not want my kids to be like me (in this way). It's self-defeating. I DO want them to try hard and do their best, but I don't want them to feel compelled to ALWAYS be perfect. It's just not realistic.
Feeling like a failure just doesn't feel good. And that's not to say I always feel that way or that I feel that way about everything. It's about isolated issues/events. Some examples include: Feeling like I failed at getting Harper down for her nap, that I failed to remember to get the kids to draw pictures for their dad for Father's Day, that I failed to make dinner for my family (I am never able to make dinner for my family).
I need to be nicer to myself and not so critical. I need to have realistic expectations of myself and others. I'm working on it.
Wish me luck.
Wish me luck.