For over ten years, I have had an unhealthy relationship with food. I have written about this in the past. And for those details and to read more about my issues with food, you can go here, here, and here.
For the purpose of this particular blog post, suffice it to say that I have a preoccupation with food. I struggle with how much I am eating - in particular, I worry if I'm eating too much.
I constantly assess and ruminate regarding how many calories I am eating. I think about what I am eating now, what I will be eating later in the day, what I will be eating tomorrow, later in the week, and even what I will be eating in the following weeks.
It is not healthy. It fills my mind with numbers & details and causes me unnecessary worry. It takes time and effort to keep up with these thoughts and concerns. A lot of time and effort.
My day is food-focused. My life is food-focused in a way that is troubling and disconcerting.
I wish I could be normal and just eat. To not obsess over what I am eating and what I will be eating later. But right now I can't.
I have done this and been like this for a decade. I have trained my mind to think like this - to always assess food and evaluate it for consumption.
At this point in my life, I can barely identify my own hunger. For the most part, I eat as a machine and not necessarily because I am hungry and need to eat. I just eat. Likewise, I can't identify when I am full. Both feelings have become numb and dormant.
This is a problem. Obviously. A problem I intend to work very hard at treating and hopefully fixing.
For the next month I plan on working on identifying my hunger. I am going to try and really focus on myself and my body and retrain myself to feel those hunger and fullness cues and to eat when I am hungry and to stop when I am full. And to eat what I want when I am hungry - to fill my hunger with what I am hungry for.
I plan on charting my hunger cues. My hope is that there is a pattern to my hunger cues that will enable me to go forward knowing that I "get hungry" at certain times of the day. Maybe there won't be any consistency, but I think it is worth exploring.
We'll see. This is not going to be easy for me, but it is worth the work.
I want to be free of this and to retrain my mind not to focus and obsess over food and calories, to enable my body to feel those basic hunger and fullness cues. I just want to be normal.
NOTE: I do see a therapist regularly and I am working on this with her as well.
First of all, I am sorry you are going through this. From what you write, this has been an ongoing issue for you, for most of your adult life. I have friends that have battled with similar issues, and for most of them, it was about control. It sounds like you have attempted, but have been successful, in conquering this issue. I admire you for being able to write about it, because that takes strength. Now, you need to take it a step further, and get help. If not for yourself, please do so for your family. You don't want your children to have the same issues with food, and self image. If you aren't sure where to turn, you could talk to your family physician, or your church.
ReplyDeleteGood for you for working on this, Melissa!! I will be eager to hear how it goes. It takes a great deal of self-awareness and courage to face any issue like this; I admire that!
ReplyDeleteYou sound exactly like me. Every time I eat something, I worry about it, and I think about what's for lunch and what's for supper and what I'm planning to eat for the rest of the week. It's my own personal demon, and I never had the problem until I had Bree and I started on a weight loss journey. Now, I'm thinner than I've ever been in my life...and I still think I'm 'fat'. I know I'm not, but there is still that voice in my head that tells me I am...constantly. That same voice tells me I'm not eating the right thing or that I've eaten too much. It's really become a problem between Paul and I, because he doesn't understand it. He thinks I'm perfect the way I am, and he'd like to see me eat more. I'm afraid of eating more.
ReplyDeleteIt's still something that I work on though, and it has gotten better. That little voice in my head seems to be a bit quieter, but still there nonetheless. I think that you have to learn to accept yourself. Eat healthy, and if you splurge on something, don't beat yourself up for it. Just do better for the next few days. For me, I eat really well through the week and then allow the weekends to be when I eat what I want. I workout and stay healthy that way. I don't own a scale, because I would step on in too much...and I don't count calories. I make myself aware of the fat content/sugar content/calories...but I don't sit there and make a list of all of the calories I've eaten in a day. I don't think that's a healthy way of living either, although, a lot of fad diets recommend it.
But I understand what you're going through, because I go through it every day too. A lot of people don't understand, and a lot of times...I feel alone. I hope that the both of us can get through this, and fix our minds and how we think about ourselves and food.
Hey girl. I know exactly what you are going through. As you probably know, I've also struggled with food/body issues since high school. A lot of it is about control. I think issues like this are hard to understand for people that haven't had to deal with them before. But for those of us who have, we know it's a constant struggle, not something you can ever really get over. For me, I feel like if everything else in my life is going smooth then it doesn't seem to be an issue. It's when times are tough and stressful that I seem to revert back to those bad habits. I'm also having problems with this issue right now. I'm sure you are doing everything you can to help your situation....talking about it publicly is definitely a very brave way of facing your demons. Just know that you are not alone and should you need to talk things out with someone I'm always here. Hang in there Mel!
ReplyDeleteYou can always plan out where and what you eat in advance like you did in high school. Remember you made us a lunch schedule?! McD's on Monday, That chicken place on Tuesday's, Wendy's on Wednsdays, etc. Some Mom's now do a meal plan, mostly for money saving purposes. But I've even seen one for the entire year! I wonder if having it already planned out would help you stress less?
ReplyDeleteYou're a beautiful, active momma Melissa! Love you!!
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ReplyDeleteI feel like you've come a LONG way with this and I'm proud of you! I wish I had a portion of your control....
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