For over ten years, I have had an unhealthy relationship with food. I have written about this in the past. And for those details and to read more about my issues with food, you can go here, here, and here.
For the purpose of this particular blog post, suffice it to say that I have a preoccupation with food. I struggle with how much I am eating - in particular, I worry if I'm eating too much.
I constantly assess and ruminate regarding how many calories I am eating. I think about what I am eating now, what I will be eating later in the day, what I will be eating tomorrow, later in the week, and even what I will be eating in the following weeks.
It is not healthy. It fills my mind with numbers & details and causes me unnecessary worry. It takes time and effort to keep up with these thoughts and concerns. A lot of time and effort.
My day is food-focused. My life is food-focused in a way that is troubling and disconcerting.
I wish I could be normal and just eat. To not obsess over what I am eating and what I will be eating later. But right now I can't.
I have done this and been like this for a decade. I have trained my mind to think like this - to always assess food and evaluate it for consumption.
At this point in my life, I can barely identify my own hunger. For the most part, I eat as a machine and not necessarily because I am hungry and need to eat. I just eat. Likewise, I can't identify when I am full. Both feelings have become numb and dormant.
This is a problem. Obviously. A problem I intend to work very hard at treating and hopefully fixing.
For the next month I plan on working on identifying my hunger. I am going to try and really focus on myself and my body and retrain myself to feel those hunger and fullness cues and to eat when I am hungry and to stop when I am full. And to eat what I want when I am hungry - to fill my hunger with what I am hungry for.
I plan on charting my hunger cues. My hope is that there is a pattern to my hunger cues that will enable me to go forward knowing that I "get hungry" at certain times of the day. Maybe there won't be any consistency, but I think it is worth exploring.
We'll see. This is not going to be easy for me, but it is worth the work.
I want to be free of this and to retrain my mind not to focus and obsess over food and calories, to enable my body to feel those basic hunger and fullness cues. I just want to be normal.
NOTE: I do see a therapist regularly and I am working on this with her as well.