freedom = happiness

This post is probably going to come off sounding awful and depressive, but it really isn’t meant to be. It’s just something I have been thinking about lately and wanted to express… so here I am expressing it.

I decided that my true goal in life is to be happy (which I suppose is something everyone wants) and for me to be happy, I have to feel free. Right now, I don’t feel free and if I was to be honest with myself I haven’t felt or truly been free in almost 8 years. Yes… 8 years. Since 2001.

Why 2001 you ask… why 8 years? Well, 8 years ago is when my struggle and issue with food began. I really don’t feel like going into details, but suffice it to say that 8 years ago was when I began having a problem with food, my body, and my weight.

Since that time, there hasn't been a significant break in that problem (except when I was pregnant). It makes me sad and it makes me mad. I want to be free of this so I can feel free in general: so I can be happy (and that’s not to say that I haven’t had happy moments, that there hasn't been moments of happiness (because there DEFINITELY have been)… it’s just that it hasn't been prolonged… it hasn't been that extended feeling of pure contentment and security that comes with feeling free of an addiction).

It is so easy (at least it seems like it should be), yet it is obviously very hard for me. Definitely a struggle.

What do I mean by feeling free? Well, right now I feel trapped. I am tethered to a monster and that monster is me.

There is also another thing that makes me feel less free and I am ashamed to admit this, but I am going to do it. That "thing" is Hayden. I love Hayden so much and I am so glad that I have him. He is so sweet and such a great little boy, but at times there is a feeling of restriction that comes with having him. I think most people with children would agree but at the same time, I think the effect having a child has on me is very negative sometimes - meaning that I take on so much responsibility and accountability that it begins to weigh me down.

I need to learn to let go some and not be so encumbered by my motherhood. The “weight” I put on myself is heavy and I feel it. I really do. If I could only loosen up and relax things would be a lot easier. I would be a much better parent for it. It would be freeing, which is my whole goal - to feel free.

I know that things will always be different now that I have Hayden (and I am happy about that). I have another person that I have to think about, another being that is more important than me… life will be somewhat more restrictive at times… but at the same time, the way I go about my daily things with him is sometimes too-focused… too stressful… too tense… too much.

So there are two things that I think weigh me down: my issue with food and my self-imposed stress-infused parenting style I occasionally employ with Hayden. I just feel so much pressure... pressure that is self-imposed: internal. It is ridiculous.

I honestly think that my main struggle is with the food, but I could be mistaken. When things are going better with the food, I am more easy-going with Hayden… they are very much in sync with one another.

To feel free. Can it happen? Will it happen anytime soon? I sure do hope so. I think I deserve it and I think it’s possible.